I’ve always been excited, ready, and willing for adventure. I say yes far more than I actually should, and, when it comes to experiences, it’s hard for me to make a “cons” list, because I am simply too focused on the competing “pros” of any and every possible decision I can make. Although this has created some serious issues in regards to efficient decision-making, it has also allowed me to experience some of the most incredible, precious, and unexplainable experiences of my life.
So, graduating college and moving to Chicago didn’t necessarily feel like a big deal, and it definitely didn’t feel scary. Despite the warnings of basically everyone about the few months after graduating college being hard and horrible and lonely, I felt confident in the fact that I was good at doing new things, that I would “grab it by the horns” “start a new chapter” “carpe diem” and all the other horribly lame things that people say in these situations.
But then came the time when I realized that everyone was right. And, of course, I tried everything I could to spin the uniqueness of my feelings, to say that the things I was feeling and was going through had nothing to do with my transition. And although some of the more heart-wrenching moments of my summer were a result of particular situations, a lot of it was just this general cloudiness that I seemed to be carrying around with me on a daily basis, this underlying unsure-ness that seemed to be influencing even the smallest decisions.
And that is where I am now. Sometimes these creeping feelings come in the form of fear, or regret, or even on somedays anger. And that is weird because those things are not things I am used to feeling, let alone dealing with on a daily basis. I am constantly overwhelmed by all of the things I don’t know. About my life, particular relationships, even my desires or goals.
But, what I find myself doing more and more is clinging to what is familiar. But this familiarity is not one that is usually connected to the average connotation. In fact, being in a new place makes the familiar seem really far away. I am talking about the familiarly that resides in participating in humanity. Ya know when you read a book or a poem or something for the very first time, but there is something about it that feels immediately familiar to you? I think that is because there is some sort of general awareness in people creating good art of what it means to be human, and it is beautiful and connected and empowering.
And I think God is constantly and consistently trying to remind us of his crazy and new and radical love that sometimes seems to come in the form of something familiar and unassuming, and when it comes, it feels like we have been waiting for it all along.
And through all this cloudiness and heaviness that seems to be a strange and unavoidable companion of mine right now, I am constantly running into these small but shinning glowbugs of familiarity. And they are mine and they are beautiful and they are enough.